Me: Right. So. I have a problem.
Carolyn: But it’s a good problem to have.
Me: No. It’s not kitten related. All day I have been stalked by a creature. An enormous creature.
Carolyn: I was assuming it was a cuteness related problem.
Me: It can jump-fly and I don’t know how to deal with it. It looks crunchy. I am in town, on the third floor. How is this a problem I am having? God.
Carolyn: Do you have aerosol? Hairspray perhaps?
Me: Hairspray? I do not. Grasshopper cricket mutant. That’s what it is. It hasn’t moved in a couple of hours but I know it’s not dead. It’s hanging on to a vertical surface.
Carolyn: Got anything else in a spray can?
Me: Raid. I have Raid.
Carolyn: Spray it.
Me: Does Raid destroy wood?
Carolyn: It destroys bugs.
Me: OH GOD IT MOVED
Carolyn: I’m not sure if it hurts wood. I don’t think so. You could use a glass to cover it and trap it with a piece of paper and throw it out the window.
Me: NOPE. CAN’T. LOOK:
Me: It would escape. It’s preparing to jump fly at me isn’t it. It’s going to get tangled in my hair and I will die.
Carolyn: I’m certain that will happen.
Me: Do you see how enormous it is?
Me: It’s the size of my knuckle. Oh. This Raid is specifically for flying insects. Chanelle can you just eat the bug instead of coming between me and it?
Chanelle: (innocently blinks)
Carolyn: Does jump flying count as flying?
Me: Oh crap. It says to keep pets away from the area for one hour.
Carolyn: That’s tricky. The cat should just eat it.
Me: The kittens are too fast and curious to be able to keep them away. No Raid then. But yes, the cat should eat it. LAINEY DO YOUR JOB.
Lainey: (flicks tail, unaware of or unaffected by my turmoil)
Me: Look maybe I can just live with it. I mean it’s a big apartment.
Carolyn: Little Jimminy.
Me: And I don’t need sleep really do I?
Carolyn: Is Doug not there to rescue you?
Me: No he is not. But he’ll be here tomorrow night so if I can call a truce with the bug for long enough, maybe I’ll not die of fear and a mutant cricket grasshopper attack.
Carolyn: Whacking it with a newspaper out of the question?
Me: Newspaper? When’s the last time I even saw a newspaper? Damn paperless household!
Carolyn: Hahaha. Can you put a box over him? Or a sweater?
Me: A sweater. I think that might enrage it.
Carolyn: A shoe? Whack it with a shoe?
Me: OH GOD IT HAS VANISHED
Carolyn: That is bad. That is very bad.
Me: It is probably plotting my demise now. The kittens don’t know that it’s unnatural and mutant. Maybe they’ll give it a ride, like a horse, and then it will be able to take over the entire apartment. Using the kittens that way is devious. Well played, mutant grasshopper cricket.
Carolyn: Or it’ll really enjoy itself, and go tell all its friends about kitten rides and they will all come too.
Me: You are gently describing a plague of locusts, you know.
Carolyn: This is them. Let’s go guys. Free kitten rides, right up on the third floor.
Me: You can only be trying to give me nightmares.
Carolyn: They are honestly one bug that don’t bother me at all. They make no noise, they don’t bite, they just are.
Me: I watched three whole seconds of that video and am now inexplicably itchy and covering my ears.
Carolyn: I’m laughing.
Me: Of course you are. You know, if River gets this mutant grasshopper locust grasshopper in her sights, it’s a goner. She’ll rip its head off. So that’s my current plan. Get the youngest and smallest creature in the house to protect me.
Carolyn: Get her to look.
Me: She’s having a snack. I don’t want to interrupt. I’ll ask in a second.
Carolyn: She might lose interest if she’s not hungry?
Me: OH GOD IT’S IN MY BED ISN’T IT THAT’S WHERE IT WENT
Carolyn: It gets tired too.
Me: Ok I am extremely grateful that I made the bed this morning. Will be making the bed forevermore.
Carolyn: It’s probably under your pillow.
Me: Why do you hate me?
Carolyn: I love you. Because you make me smile.
Me: I found it! Thank goodness. It just moved a little out of sight.
Carolyn: Perhaps tonight is at your expense.
Me: That’s all right, that’s all right, I’m capable of dealing with my neuroses.
Carolyn: You can do this. Pick your biggest boot. And schmooooosh him!
Me: Please do not personify the enemy. Smoosh implies that it’s not crunchy. I’m fairly sure it’s crunchy. It looks crunchy.
Carolyn: And it will crunch good. More like scrunch.
Me: I’ve moved the bench a couple of times. It is playing possum. I am worried that it will fly.
Carolyn: It will most definitely find your hair if it flies.
Me: Maybe if I leave it alone and give it the kitchen…?
Carolyn: Right by your ear is the obvious place it will land.
You’ll notice that although I am trying to give you a look in this photograph I cannot take my eyes off of it so…that’s what you get.
Carolyn: Do you have a door on your bedroom?
Me: Yes but there’s a crack in the bottom.
Carolyn: Stuff a towel in there.
Carolyn: The pets might protest a closed door.
Me: Yes ok that’s that plan scrapped.
Carolyn: But let’s be honest. If those assholes were doing their petly duties properly the bug would be dead by now.
Me: That is even more true than the last true thing you said. Ok I’ve passed the bug several times now and I think I know its game.
Carolyn: LOL Say Marco…see what happens?
Me: Also I don’t know why but I keep holding my breath as I pass it, hoping it won’t notice me.
Me: I’ve been overfeeding my cats. They clearly aren’t hungry enough to eat a juicy crunchy mutant grasshopper cricket locust.
Carolyn: Could you spare a leaf?
Me: Krystle I think you are underestimating how much I hate nature.
Krystle: Also they have very very good sense of flying direction so if it thinks your hair looks tasty you’re doomed.
Me: GREAT. THAT’S GREAT. AND I LOST IT AGAIN. IT IS CAGEY.
Krystle: I’m being told it’s sleepy time. Night. Lol.
Me: By the way, there’s no way that’s a grasshopper. It is a mutant grasshopper locust cricket. Clearly. It’s blocking the doorway. And now Lainey is playing with it.
Lainey: (weird meow-growl)
Me: Ok when I say playing I really mean antagonising.
Lainey: (swatting mutant cricket locust grasshopper around living room)
Me: I’ll let you know what happens. Unless the conclusion is my death. Then I won’t let you know, you’ll have to read it in the news like everyone else: Local Woman Dies By Mutant Grasshopper Cricket Locust
Lainey the five-year-old cat (pictured below) eventually killed the bug, after playing with it such that it jumped all over the place, making me hide under a blanket.
Smith the tiny one-pound kitten (pictured below) took advantage of my distraction to drink some of my tea, which was sweet and light, because kittens have bad manners apparently. I rewarded this behaviour by giving him a tiny bowl of milk because I don’t know how punishments work.
River the tinier kitten (pictured below) spent the evening running all over the place like it was a party, and generally being exactly in the opposite location of all action. And also Riv managed to squeeze in the following fun activity: unrolling the toilet paper roll in the bathroom.
The bug carcass remains in the middle of the living room floor, mostly because I am not 100% sure that it is actually dead. Consider: it stalked me all day, moving very little over several hours. It knows how to lay low. So I shall do the logical and obvious thing now: hop from furniture piece to furniture piece until I reach another room entirely, and then try to sleep.
If the bug is there still in the morning, I’ll take care of it.
If not? Well I’m sure Doug will agree that we’ll just have to move.