Well, it’s more like jokes I say too often. And things. Okay, some of them are not jokes, but are things. And others are jokes. Okay. Okay, so both jokes and things I say too often. I maybe say too often. Maybe.

1. “Your back! And your front! They’re both here!”

That joke is maybe… fifteen years old. I don’t care. I still think it’s damn funny.

2. “A neutron walks into a bar…“

I will never forget the expression on that little physics professor’s face, nor the sound of his feet as he shuffled down the hall, chuckling to himself, when I told him that joke.

3. “My skin is green. Yes, I have an olive-toned complexion. What colour do you suppose an olive is, hm? Not the black ones, I mean.”

I don’t even know why I find that so funny and clever. It’s not even funny, or clever. It’s really just fact. I mean… I really am green. Kermit’s got nothing on me. Dammit. I can’t even wear green well. In fact, I should probably avoid most greens, because they make me look greener. But do I? No. No I do not. In fact, I am wearing a forest green sweater right this very moment.

4. “Do you find it smells like… supdawg in here?”

Most people reply to this with: “what’s… ’supdawg’?”

And that’s when I move in with that killer comeback… “what’s up dawg!“

I know. It’s not even that funny. I don’t know why it amuses me so.

5. What’s green with five wheels?

I love that joke. It has moved me to tears on more than one occasion. Two occasions, to be precise. I think I like this one because it makes no sense, and in order to find it funny, you must be as ridiculous as I am. You must essentially be the same brand of ridiculous. Or, possibly, the discount version. (Same stuff, different label. You know how it is. It is the exact same, is how it is.)

I guess it’s a wonderful way of identifying kindred spirits.