He said, she said

This is how a girl tells her parents:

Me: Hi, Dad. How are you?

Dad: Good, good.

Me: Dad, I have something to tell you.

Dad: (pays close attention, is suddenly very serious) What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing. I just need to tell you that… Doug and I are engaged.

Dad: !

Me: …

Dad: That’s wonderful! What a wonderful, wonderful news. Thank you for this beautiful news, you have made this day beautiful. Here’s mom, you can tell her.

Mom: What what what? What’s going on?

Me: Mom?

Mom: Yes?

Me: Mom, I have something to tell you.

Mom: Aha, and what is that?

Me: Mommy? Doug and I are engaged.

Mom: (squeak)

Me: (laughing) Yep.

[10 seconds of silence]

Me: Um… Mama?

[15 seconds of silence]

Me: Mom, are you still there?

[swift intake of breath]

Me: Mom? You okay?

Mom: (exhales, hiccups)

Me: (laughing) Mama?

Mom: (crying a little) Félicitations! Congratulations! Oh, oh, this is wonderful news! This is wonderful!

Me: (crying a little) Thanks, Mama.

Mom: And congratulations to Doug too! Let me talk to Doug.

*

This is how a boy tells his best friend the same news:

Doug: Hey. What are you up to?

Sean: Hey man. Not much, just hanging out here. You?

Doug: Nothing, same. So… Therese and I are engaged.

Sean: Fuck off.

Doug: Yep.

Sean: You fucker. (his voice goes up an octave) Really?

Doug: Yep.

Sean: Wow, congratulations!

Doug: Thanks.

Sean: So how’d you ask her?

Doug: I chucked the ring across the room and said, “well?”

Sean: That’s beautiful. Well congratulations, you guys. Really, really congratulations.