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Anne of Green Gables has been on TV for the passed several days. They show it in installments, and it is a three-part epic film (one, two, three) divided into six (possibly 5) viewings, so it’s understandable. I mean, this way you have a chance to actually watch the thing. I appreciate the breakdown, Atlanta Channel.
I love that movie, love it really hard. So although I generally don’t force Doug to watch anything he doesn’t care for, I innocently left it on that channel. And watched. Doug apparently didn’t have anything better to do that would grab his attention for too long, so he hung out with me and watched with me for several chunks of the sequel part of the film (so… part 2).
And that’s when it all went wrong.
You see, I was being normal and girly, sighing at the fact that Anne had made such an obvious, obvious mistake (why did you just shoot Gil down? Why? Oh Anne, why must you fight it? YOU LOVE HIM, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT YOU DO, GAWD, HE’S GILBERT BLYTHE). And Doug started talking about how she was probably boinking someone else.
“What? She is not!” I said indignantly.
“Yes. She does not want his penis in her vagina.” He shook his head solemnly.
“Oh yes she does. She marries him, you know.” I hugged my knees to my chest and sighed. “They’re meant to be together, she just doesn’t know it yet.”
Doug made a noise. It sounded like scoffing, but I ignored him. He wandered away, playing with pictures or Sita the cat or something, who cares? Anne of Green Gables was on. And then he came back. That’s when they introduced one of Anne’s pupils’ dad to the movie. The Other Man. And FINE, it looked like romantic things were brewing. MAYBE.
“Aha, there, you see?” Doug told me, waking from his coma.
“What? No.”
“She wants his wang.”
“She most certainly does not!”
“Well, maybe not yet, but she will.”
“No. No no no, and no.” I will freely admit that I have the most violent of reactions to this film.
“Yes.”
“No. She is marrying Gilbert Blythe. This person is… no. There will be none this… this… person.”
A little further into the movie, Anne gets upset with the Other Man for ignoring her. She leaves a gala, and he follows without his coat. BIG FRICKING DEAL.
“I told you she wanted to do him. And he wants to do her,” said Doug.
“Whatever, she doesn’t want him.”
“Her bajingo yearns for his dongle.”
“No.” I shook my head until I began getting a little dizzy.
“And he wants to put his penis, in her vagina.” He sang it. For a man with very little inflection in his voice, it is quite melodious when he sticks to the one, sometimes two notes.
“OK fine, maybe, but she wants nothing to do with the Other Man, despite all the drama. He’s too old. He’s a distraction is what he is. She wants Gilbert Blythe. Trust me. She just hasn’t realized it yet. She’s stubborn that way.”
Anne of Green Gables on TV chose this moment to say that likely due to her wholesome island upbringing, she would not suffer fools. I laughed in triumph.
“Ha-ha! See? She misses Gilbert Blythe! Oh, Gilbert Blythe…”
And then the Other Man haltingly proposed, immediately following a sharp kick to his shins delivered by our heroine. (Red hair, you guys. Fiery temper.)
“I told you he wanted to put his d-dohing-dohing-dohing in her hoo-hoo.”
Anne of Green Gables hesitated for one long moment that saw me finish off a couple of nails and smack Doug for his comment, and then she refused, saying that she thought she could say yes, but couldn’t. And then in her cute little Anne way that would like so totally not work in real life, she walked arm in arm, laughing, with a guy she just dumped to go back to the gala for a dance.
“See? SHE SAID NO, AND IT’S BECAUSE OF GILBERT BLYTHE, THAT’S WHY.”
Near the end of the movie, when it became clear that Gilbert and Anne would be together (FINALLY TOGETHER), Doug conceded that I was right, in his own way.
“I told you she wanted to be with Gilbert Blythe. Now they get married.” I sighed.
“So I guess he’ll be putting his dongle in her heated area then, huh.” Doug nodded thoughtfully.
Anne threw herself into Gil’s arms. I sighed in girlish pleasure once more.
“Yes, darling. Yes, he will.”
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