Meditation

“Why can’t I sleep?”

“I don’t know, stress?”

“No.”

“Are you maybe just thinking too much?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you want to try a meditation technique?”

Two beats, then: “Yep.”

“OK, get comfortable.  Reaaaal comfortable.  OK, are you sure that’s comfortable?”

“No.”

“Just move until you’re comfortable.”

“…”

“OK, not that kind of comfortable, mister.  You want to be able to sink into sleep and feel boneless and you’re going to be lying as still as possible.”

“OK.”

“Just listen to the sound of my voice, and breathe evenly. I’m going to count to ten.  On each number, breathe in deeply and exhale.

“Try to breathe in and out for each number I say.  They’ll get slower and slower, so try to control your breath. One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… ten.

“All right.  Now you want to lie as still as possible.  Still still still.  Picture a lake or a pond. A peaceful place surrounded by greenery.  It smells clean and fresh.  You are floating in the water.  You are the water.  Your body is the water.  You want to lie as perfectly still as you can, because every movement you make is a ripple on the wat– OK, now you’re ripping all over the place.”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Still! I said to stay still!”

“AH ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Oh that’s great, that’s just great.”

“Ha ha ha ha, baby, ha ha, you didn’t warn me it would be this corny.”

“How can you picture yourself as a body of water and avoid rippling the water in a non-corny way? Tell me. There’s no other way to say it! Now stop! You’re… Ripples! On the water!”

His entire body continues to shake with laughter.

“Now you’re just wiggling all over the place, rippling the poor pond to a whirlpool.  I knew you would laugh! Dammit!  If you can’t even… God! The next thing was to be a flame, and try to keep it from flickering because your every movement flickers the flame. If you can’t even keep that stupid pool of water still, how are you supposed to–”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“OK, the breathing thing really works. At least do that.”