Law-breaker

I sat down with him to watch television, noticing that he had preprogrammed a show that was going to start in a few minutes.

“You want to watch… The Truth About Shoplifting?”

“Yes.”

“Huh. Well, okay.”

“It’s a documentary,” he said, as though that explained it completely. And it did.

We’ve been into documentaries lately. They’re interesting, they generate conversation and questions and they generally open your mind. Expanding our horizons! Through the magic of mindless staring at a screen. I love the duality there.

Anyway, given the topic, I couldn’t help think about my one instance of law breaking. Suddenly seized with dueling desires: one to share and tell the truth, the other to pretend it never happened and hide my eighteen-year-old shameful secret from him forever.

“In fact, over 80% of us have shoplifted.“

I took a deep breath.

“Have you ever shoplifted?”

“Yep.” He didn’t even hesitate.

“You DID?”

I was shocked. Amazed. Relieved. Appalled.

Here was Doug, the man who is honest to a fault, who exudes a sense of rightness. A law-breaker. Unashamed, unhesitatingly admitting to a felony.

“Whaaaaaa? When? What?” I couldn’t get over my surprise.

“Years ago. I was waiting in line for a really, really long time, and I had a golf club in the golf case I was purchasing. I told the cashier about it, but she didn’t scan it, so I left with the golf club. Figured it was compensation for them having wasted so much of my time.”

“Unbelievable.”

I shook my head at him. He ate a chip, unconcerned.

“Have you ever shoplifted?”

“Um… ” An unnaturally long pause. “Yes.”

Naturally, he asked me for the details. I hesitated, but was  determined to spill the beans now. I had passed the point of no return. It was the first time I had ever admitted to this. Ever. To anyone. Like I said, it was my secret shame.

“I was thirteen, or maybe fourteen. I was in my favourite bookstore, and… I stole… something.”

“A book?”

“No.” My voice got smaller with my increasing sense of shame. “A bookmark. Or three.”

“A bookmark?”

“Or three.”

He laughed. Oh, but he laughed. I don’t know if he found the value of the items so laughable, or whether it was that the one chance I had at being a petty thief was spent on something so pitiful, or if it was a matter of looking at my face, so steeped in shame, that set him off. But he laughed.

Surprisingly, it felt really nice, to be able to laugh with him.

And so, now you know, Internet. My secret shame.

Reflection

Stop!, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

It’s easy to forget to stop.

You get caught up in the day-to-day business of life, and next thing you know it seems it’s been nine months since you last took proper notice or stock of your life and direction.

I’m not complaining — far from it. It’s happy times that mean I have less to work through by writing about my feeeeeeelings. Like a well-oiled machine, everything is going so smoothly that there’s nothing to tinker with. And frankly, that’s relatively boring to read about, so I don’t tend to write much about it. Still, I can’t help the feeling that my life is speeding by, and I can’t slow down the pace no matter how often I force myself to stop and think, to appreciate the moments I enjoy so much. Might be the fact that my thirtieth birthday is fast approaching, the biological clock ticking, or the fact that things around me seem to be changing so fast, whereas I am happy to be right now. Happy to be just me.

I guess in mentioning it, I’m trying to bring myself back to logging the small moments in my life that I love. Maybe I’m hoping this will slow things down. And if not, well… I can not say it better than Anaïs Nin, who said: “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”

So maybe writing about all of those small, insignificant moments more often, those moments that I want to remember, regardless of how my audience of three feels about it… maybe that is a good idea after all.

Expression of Joy

Doug, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

“Black velveteen, supple and lean, the 21st century dreammmmm!” Doug drove me home for dinner, and decided to sing. Doug was singing along with Lenny Kravitz. Actually singing.

I giggled. ”You know, this Black velveteen chick sounds kind of cool,” I said.

“She is,” he agreed. “Ready to please, free from disease, she’s waiting on her knees,” he continued.

More giggling. “You know it warms my heart holes when you do that.”

“Why do you think I do it?” He then paused dramatically, held his breath, and then began doing something that the world has never, ever, ever heard.

“Black velveteen knows all the night spots in France!“

That’s right, Internet, he sang using his falsetto voice. I didn’t even know he had one.

He says he does it to make me laugh, which I believe, but I also believe that he does it because secretly, Doug has waited years to have an excuse to sing falsetto, off-key, at the top of his lungs in the car at me.  I also think he secretly does this when I am not in the car. And I am glad. Everyone should secretly sing falsetto when alone in the car. Singing is an expression of joy that comes right from the middle of your chest, exploding out from your mouth. Sometimes, you just can’t help but sing when you’re filled with happiness. I know that I have undeniable urges to sing when overjoyed.

So, of course, you understand why I need to marry this man. It becomes more and more obvious to me that it is the right thing to do with every new experience I continue to have with him. I’m somehow sure that Black velveteen herself would agree.

New York City – Day Two

(For day one, click here.)

First thing we did was get another bagel from the hotel. I had to say it, I had to. Hotel @ Times Square, your bagels are deliciously glorious.

Second thing we did was get roped into participating into one of those hop-on, hop-off bus situations. So, we got on the bus.

Seeing things from the top of a two-decker bus in the open air is a really great way to fast forward through your first glimpse of a city like New York.

I recommend it, and I do not recommend it, at the same time. Good if you want to sample everything and decide what you’re most interested in doing. Bad if you’ve ever done it before, and if you already know where you want to be. There are cheaper ways to travel, friends.

Still, we got to zoom on by everything, and take pictures we wouldn’t otherwise have been able to take.

Across from Central Park, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

We went to Central Park, and I have to say that I was surprised. Of course, I’ve heard things about the place, but to actually be there? I dunno. It was part of the magic of New York. Being there, it’s… a different feeling.

Me in Central Park, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

I’ve said this before, though not on this blog, but having now been in Manhattan, I find that it is both much smaller and much larger than I had thought. Manhattan itself is tiny, in comparison with many places I’ve been and lived and travelled. There are elements that are larger than life, and Central Park is one of them.

Cheeky, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

While in that neck of the woods, we did something that I had wanted to do ever since I saw the movie Fools Rush In. (Yes, that movie. I love that movie.)

Gray’s Papaya, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

I ate a hot dog at Gray’s Papaya.

Gray’s Papaya (I was there), originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

The whole experience ended up feeling like kind of a cliché, but I’m glad I did it.

The architecture and character of the city makes me want to go back, many times, and it is a feeling that Doug and I share, happily.

Looking Up, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

We actually kind of have the same attitude toward it all. Literally.

Looking Up, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

It is safe to say there will be more trips to New York City.

City Streets, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

I’ll be posting one last time about the three-day trip to NYC, with more pictures. I’ve only gone through about half of the pictures, that’s how many I took. Seriously, we’re still in the morning of day two in these photographs. (I took about two thousand photographs. That’s a lot of clickin’. Thank you, digital age!)

To see more pictures, including some that I won’t end up putting up here, click here to see a slide show of all of the pictures I have uploaded so far in this set.

New York City – Day One

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that what? New York? That trip was in November 2009, and here we are in January 2010 and only just now are we seeing these pictures?

What can I say? I’m incredibly late. Also, the last few months were light, posting wise. I’ve been blogging a long time, and these lapses, they do sometimes happen. People tend to throw the word hiatus around a lot. I decided a while back that every time I wanted to, I would just shut up for as long as I need to, and return when I felt re-energized to write again.

(In my own defense, my home office, until very recently, was the same temperature as the outside. The baseboard heater was not working, and we were too lazy or cheap to figure out what was up and come up with a solution other than blankets and more socks. Since this room is so incredibly cold, I, naturally, decided that I didn’t want to be in it. There is a reason beyond my laziness that my daily picture posts lagged so much and so long.)

Anyway! Here we are, to the end of my excuses, and to talking about my experiences in New York.

Oh, and to share pictures.

Smug, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

On the first day, I arrived early, then slept all day. It takes a lot out of you, travelling does, even if it is only a few hours transit. Plus, I had worked until 11pm my time, then hopped a flight at 6am with very little sleep only to arrive in NYC at 9am. So, I went to the hotel and slept. It was the best nap… ever.

Doug, being the wonderfully caring and thoughtful man that he is, brought me a delicious bagel from the hotel’s breakfast bar, and that bagel ended up being pretty much the best bagel I had ever eaten in my life. To this moment, I can taste the cream cheese, feel the perfect combination of chewy and crunchy, and appreciate it. That was a good bagel. I had that bagel each morning. Once, I had even two. It’s allowed. I was on vacation.

Wow, I’m still talking about that bagel. Hm.

That night, Doug wanted to take me to eat some pizza, so we went to Famous Original Ray’s Pizzeria, where Doug had a pizza he enjoyed and I had the same, though I did not enjoy mine as much as Doug seemed to enjoy his. Still, that was something I had wanted to experience, and so, check! On the very first day. Wonderful. Things were just zooming along, and I was just soaking it in.

The main thing we wanted to do on that first day for me, fifth day for Doug, was to walk around and stare at the city. And so that is what we did.

When walking around, what better place to begin than Times Square?

Times Square, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

Our hotel, after all, was just around the corner.

Times Square, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

Holy crap, Internet, I do not remember the last time I was as excited as I was pretty much that whole weekend.

OMG I AM IN NYC!, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

That there? That expression?

It was pretty much my level of excitement the whole entire weekend.

Here I am a few seconds later, trying to tone it down:

Sheepish, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

I end up looking almost asleep. Now I kind of understand why Doug is constantly telling me to open my eyes when he takes my picture. Kind of.

Times Square, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

It was an exciting day, and we walked so much that I was glad of my shoe choice:

Macy’s, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

Mine are the dots. The polka dots. Reminds you of the game of Twister, yes? Yes. In the good way.

We walked around, looking like tourists, being tourists, not caring about that at all, and totally blending in, because you know what? There are a lot of tourists in NYC. Pretty much at all times. It is one of the greatest places on Earth, I’m sure, so it should come as no surprise.

Sad face, happy face, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

It was a nice way to begin our trip, soaking in New York’s vibe.

City Streets 2, originally uploaded by the origin of shoeism.

And tomorrow, I shall post Day Two.

If you cannot wait until tomorrow for more pictures, you greedy creature, click here to see a slide show of all of the pictures in this set.

I have reset thee, O No Puking Streak

In the beginning of December 2009, I began having some troubles. Troubles in the form of violent, painful, and sudden attacks that landed me in the hospital on three separate occasions.

If you’ve ever experienced gall stones, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, well, it’s awful. You can’t breathe, you can’t not breathe, all of that breathing and not breathing and fighting it hurts, and that’s on top of the crushing pain in your ribs and back. Plus there’s the intense nausea, that you don’t realize is there until the pain ebbs thanks to powerful narcotics.

At least, that’s how it manifests for yours truly.

In looking at what the Internet has to say about gall stones, and okay, listening to my doctors, I know that they generally prescribe a low-fat diet, and at that, one containing only the good fats. The doctors have also suggested a food diary, so that I can carefully monitor what I eat to stave off further attacks.

This is the kind of thing they recommend if you haven’t gone so far as my dad did a few months ago, which was where they had to remove that gallbladder pretty much immediately when he went into the hospital. Pow! Outta there.

In case you’re wondering, the gallbladder, once removed, looks like dog food that has been through the blender. At least, that was the doctor said, when my sister Natalie asked if we could see it or possibly keep it. She’s weird that way.

Good things about having your gallbladder in a state such as mine. Hm. Well, apparently it’s a built-in mechanism that tells you when you have had too much bad fats, so hey! Weight-control mechanism!

Con? It tells you you’ve had too much fat by causing severe pain and making you yark all over the place so violently that your throat is sore for three days.

Let’s see. Other pro. It  has always been in you until now, doing its job, whatever that is. Although the current medical opinion is that there’s no great need for a gallbladder, they hesitate to remove it, so I infer that it must serve SOME purpose. It may be obscure or unknown as of yet, but still, it seems that it would be best to leave it in, in case of future need.

Con. Future needs seem like the most ridiculous argument ever when you’re being helped onto a stretcher and wheeled out of your work place toward an ambulance. That’s not fun. Trust me. I was there last week. That is all kinds of embarrassing, and I can’t even tell you why. I know that if I were a bystander I’d be nothing but concerned, and my coworkers and boss have been wonderful during this whole thing. And yet there it is, the underlying vague sense of embarrassment.

So, what next? Well, there is a consultation to be scheduled this month with a surgeon who routinely deals with this type of thing. The (third) ER doctor was pretty reassuring, and gave me a lot of good information that makes me feel good about where to go from here. It’s good to have doctors who you feel you can trust.

I should probably tell you that I am not suffering for this on any kind of constant basis. Am I terrified to eat meat, fattening foods, or too much food, full stop? Do I hesitate every time I put anything in my mouth? Is the memory of that last violent bout of nausea with the inevitable result haunting me? Sure! But aside from all that, I mostly feel okay, and I have some pain medications standing by just in case of another attack. The idea, apparently, is to keep track of the frequency and intensity of the attacks and make a decision based on that. All in all, I’m glad I have a call from a surgeon pending to discuss options.

And now you know, more or less, what’s been going on around here.

Update, January 28, 2010

Scheduled visit with the doctor, quickest experience in a doctor’s office, ever. Was told that they did a study in Finland, where apparently your medical file follows you all over the country whether you like it or not, kind of like an overzealous younger sister. This study revealed that of all people in similar positions to mine, which is to say, they had gall bladder attacks, of those who chose not to remove their gall bladders and tried to manage the condition, 95% ended up getting the organ removed over time. Of those 95%, the likelihood of complications due to age, advancement of the condition, and having had to deal with intensely painful attacks over the years made it a no brainer kind of decision for the surgeon. He said it was best to remove it if there was that much trouble with the thing.

So I’m scheduling some time to do that when they call me to tell me when they want to do it.

I have mixed feelings about it, and may end up writing about it again. We’ll see. For the time being, all is fine in limbo. And I am terrified of eating cheese.

Illustration of Ridiculousness

A few weeks ago, Doug and I decided that enough was enough, and went out and purchased a new fridge and stove.

And then I made this film. It is ridiculous, I sing in it, and I accidentally cover the microphone on the camera a few times. Enjoy!

Welcome to the digital age, Mama

My mother’s not-that-recent promotion to a new job means that she now has a cell phone of her own. It is a Blackberry, and she is glued to it like I wouldn’t have thought possible. There are advantages, of course, and the biggest one is that I can always reach her via email. This is how I’ve been getting the news while my parents have been off gallivanting in Florida with my aunt and uncle for the winter holidays this year. Since they’re clearly nutty, they’ve elected to drive there and back. They are currently on their way back to Canada. I wonder if they’ll say never again when asked about it.

Since I am as I type uploading and otherwise updating my newly pro Flickr account, I am getting a lot of emails from my mother in real time. This is what they look like, after the obligatory inquiries about my health (I’ve been sick lately, but will write about that in another post).

Mama: So what are you doing right at this very moment?

Me: Backing up my pictures. If you have access to the Internet and not just email, click here and you’ll see exactly what I’m doing. Just hit refresh every so often. How about you? What are you doing?

Mama: Okay I’ll try. We’re waiting at the border in Windsor.

Me: Think it will take long?

Mama: We’ve been waiting already for 50 minutes on the Windsor bridge. Everyone is on their last nerve because they all want to go to the bathroom.

Me: Just as long as no one gets so annoyed that they piss on anyone else, I think you will be fine. Just don’t laugh too hard, either. You know how that can make things worse. You know what I mean.

Mama: Hahahahaha I just read that aloud and everyone laughed so much that we dripped a little in the underpants.

And now you’ve got that mental picture of four adults crammed in a car, having to go to the bathroom, and giggling to themselves enough that there’s some leaking.

You’re welcome.

New Year

A year of no resolutions, this.

Also, no plans to for sure do anything. It’s nice to have goals, but it’s also nice not to have goals.

At the moment, I am still taking daily pictures, and I do think I’ll carry on with that. I suspect, however, that I will not post them every day. Particularly if the last several months are a litmus test to go by.

I’m keeping track of what I’m reading, and that’s interesting. It’s funny the books that stay with you long after you read them. It’s funny the books I choose to re-read countless times.

The only thing I’ll concentrate on, and will keep going back to… is my life list. Let’s see how far I’ll go.

Happy new year, Internet!

Do One Thing

I’ve decided to do one thing on my life list this month. Just cross one thing off that list. I’m rooting for this one:

86. Knit a pair of socks – YEAH!

I will be updating this blooooooooooggggg with photographs of my progress and the finished product the moment, that sweet sweet moment, that it occurs.

Something to look forward to, yes?

Also, 2009’s Daily Pictures will soon be coming to a close.

I will be taking up a new project to strive for and likely stumble along the way to completion. Picture a day? Possibly relating to what I am wearing? Who knows. I have ideas that are floating around. Once inspiration strikes and really takes hold, I’ll announce here. Until then, I will wrap things up as best I can on the daily picture website.

Looking forward to the new year? You totally should be. I’m filled with unreasonable levels of optimism today. Unreasonable.